F 1 D 0 - 2004 09 04 at 0600

Overheard on the Subway. 

(two guys talking. They're attending a
university or college here in town, and
seem to live at home with their parents)

I can't tell my parents I'm Gay. I can't tell my
parents anything. They just won't understand.

I know what you mean. Where would you start?
But you're not gay, are you?

I'm just talking to you. That's all. Each time
I show up at home, I've got another girl with me.

Yeah? Well, my dad wouldn't care, but my mom
would be all over me.

Exactly. "What's her name? She seems very 
very nice. Where did you meet her..." But she's
just friends with me, you know, and I've just
brought her over for appearances.

Keep them guessing?

Sure. The girls I have for friends are real
nice. Mom would approve. I think dad sees through
it, but knows better than to ask. The ones I want
in bed with me are skanks.

I know a real skank! You talking about ______?
I bet you she smokes in bed! Maybe she smokes in
the bath! 

She is the skankiest one! She'd smoke in a hospital,
and blow it right onto a security guard. She's got such
balls. I think about her, but she might be too skank
for me. I want to live past 30 you know.

You're being modest. You'd go to bed with
anything that had a pulse. You can't tell
your mother that.

I try not to tell Mom anything. If I do, I either
make the answer entirely true, or entirely outrageous.
Last time she asked me about (some name) I told her
"Mom; I've got three girlfriends right now." She just
got all silent, and went into another room. Dad though?
He winks at me whenever I bring another one over.

I only show one girlfriend at a time.
It doesn't matter what's really going on, I try to 
make a show of at least two months. I don't want 
them calling me---

"---A jerk?"
"---A jerk."

I had (another name) over last weekend. Remember
her? She was great, and she got off on being at home
with me, so I waited until it got quiet in the whole
house before we started anything.

Your dad? He just winked?

And suggested we close the door in the television
room.

Sounds like my dad.

Get this. The bed makes a racket. The girl makes
a racket. There isn't anything I can do to make it
quiet. I'm trying to concentrate, and all I can think
of is what I'll tell Mom when she comes into my room.

So what did you tell her?

She didn't come in, but I still couldn't get her
out of my mind. (name) thought I was this amazing
stud because I just kept going and going, but really
I was entirely distracted. 

My parents always give me the eye when she's
at the table for breakfast.

Never happen. I wake her up at 3 or 4 o'clock
and tell her she has to go home now. I can't handle
those morning morality discussions. They are hard
enough after I'm awake.

I wish I had your balls. I just have to take 
it so I don't bring anybody home unless I can't
go anywhere else.

Not me. Out they go!

The basement is helpful. It's an unwritten rule
that if someone is in the basement, you don't go
down there, and there isn't any reason to do that.
But even then, my dad asked me about it. "Was it 
good?" I didn't want to say yes, I didn't want
to say no either, so I just stared, and couldn't
think of anything funny say. 

Think your parents get off on thinking about
you downstairs?

I don't want to go there. (Oh, why not?) Maybe
my dad, but Mom is disgusted. She says I just do it
for conquest. That I'm as bad as those hunters.
She'd like me to pick just one, settle down, and
get married.

I am so not ready for getting married. My mother
keeps hinting to me that getting married would be
the right thing. So I say to her, "well, I'm not ready
to marry a man yet, but I'm thinking about it." Then
she chokes on her drink, and walks away from me.

You'd make a model husband. You'd stay faithful
for [looks at watch] maybe 10 minutes. Okay, you'd
go an hour.

This is serious! If I get married in the next
five years, I just want to tell you that I'm doing
it for my parents, not for me.

Yeah [disbelief] I believe you. You can avoid 
the whole thing, and get your parents to take the 
vows in your place too, right?

Okay, okay, so I won't get married, but they
won't stop trying. Oh! This is Sheppard. I've got
to run. See you Tuesday?

Yep, Tuesday. Have a good weekend.



Not the Madison Square Garden, but the side of
The Bay, that is, "The Hudson Bay Company" department
store, dressed up for a film shot. A week later it was
all taken down. A block south of Yonge and Queen.