F 1 D 0 - 2004 09 04 at 0600 Overheard on the Subway. (two guys talking. They're attending a university or college here in town, and seem to live at home with their parents) I can't tell my parents I'm Gay. I can't tell my parents anything. They just won't understand. I know what you mean. Where would you start? But you're not gay, are you? I'm just talking to you. That's all. Each time I show up at home, I've got another girl with me. Yeah? Well, my dad wouldn't care, but my mom would be all over me. Exactly. "What's her name? She seems very very nice. Where did you meet her..." But she's just friends with me, you know, and I've just brought her over for appearances. Keep them guessing? Sure. The girls I have for friends are real nice. Mom would approve. I think dad sees through it, but knows better than to ask. The ones I want in bed with me are skanks. I know a real skank! You talking about ______? I bet you she smokes in bed! Maybe she smokes in the bath! She is the skankiest one! She'd smoke in a hospital, and blow it right onto a security guard. She's got such balls. I think about her, but she might be too skank for me. I want to live past 30 you know. You're being modest. You'd go to bed with anything that had a pulse. You can't tell your mother that. I try not to tell Mom anything. If I do, I either make the answer entirely true, or entirely outrageous. Last time she asked me about (some name) I told her "Mom; I've got three girlfriends right now." She just got all silent, and went into another room. Dad though? He winks at me whenever I bring another one over. I only show one girlfriend at a time. It doesn't matter what's really going on, I try to make a show of at least two months. I don't want them calling me--- "---A jerk?" "---A jerk." I had (another name) over last weekend. Remember her? She was great, and she got off on being at home with me, so I waited until it got quiet in the whole house before we started anything. Your dad? He just winked? And suggested we close the door in the television room. Sounds like my dad. Get this. The bed makes a racket. The girl makes a racket. There isn't anything I can do to make it quiet. I'm trying to concentrate, and all I can think of is what I'll tell Mom when she comes into my room. So what did you tell her? She didn't come in, but I still couldn't get her out of my mind. (name) thought I was this amazing stud because I just kept going and going, but really I was entirely distracted. My parents always give me the eye when she's at the table for breakfast. Never happen. I wake her up at 3 or 4 o'clock and tell her she has to go home now. I can't handle those morning morality discussions. They are hard enough after I'm awake. I wish I had your balls. I just have to take it so I don't bring anybody home unless I can't go anywhere else. Not me. Out they go! The basement is helpful. It's an unwritten rule that if someone is in the basement, you don't go down there, and there isn't any reason to do that. But even then, my dad asked me about it. "Was it good?" I didn't want to say yes, I didn't want to say no either, so I just stared, and couldn't think of anything funny say. Think your parents get off on thinking about you downstairs? I don't want to go there. (Oh, why not?) Maybe my dad, but Mom is disgusted. She says I just do it for conquest. That I'm as bad as those hunters. She'd like me to pick just one, settle down, and get married. I am so not ready for getting married. My mother keeps hinting to me that getting married would be the right thing. So I say to her, "well, I'm not ready to marry a man yet, but I'm thinking about it." Then she chokes on her drink, and walks away from me. You'd make a model husband. You'd stay faithful for [looks at watch] maybe 10 minutes. Okay, you'd go an hour. This is serious! If I get married in the next five years, I just want to tell you that I'm doing it for my parents, not for me. Yeah [disbelief] I believe you. You can avoid the whole thing, and get your parents to take the vows in your place too, right? Okay, okay, so I won't get married, but they won't stop trying. Oh! This is Sheppard. I've got to run. See you Tuesday? Yep, Tuesday. Have a good weekend. Not the Madison Square Garden, but the side of The Bay, that is, "The Hudson Bay Company" department store, dressed up for a film shot. A week later it was all taken down. A block south of Yonge and Queen.